Things I did to get through my divorce
A how-to guide after going through hell and coming out better
There is a lot of generic advice out there on how to get though a break up. I’m just going to tell you what I did. I didn’t do all of these things perfectly, but I was honest about actually wanting to move on and can confidently tell anyone reading this that I’ve gotten through to the other side. I’ve felt hesitant to write all of this…at the moment I’m so disconnected from the emotional pull that put me in the position to have to find outlets, to do whatever I could do to put this all behind me. However, most of the things on this list are permanent habits that now have nothing to do with a break up. They’re just part of my daily life.
Everyone believes their situation is unique, and in some ways they’re probably right. I could list a few ways in which my own was unique; much of my grief was complex. At moments I felt like I was grieving a piece of my father who passed away 8 years ago. As if the grief I have held off for this long had compiled and I was now being forced to confront it. For one, I didn’t have him here with me for emotional support. In this, I really have felt his absence. My dad also left me (and my sister) with a rather decent sum of money. I regret ever mentioning this. I trusted my husband, that every time I contributed more and more of this, that it would be reciprocated in the future. He promised. Now, most of that money is gone - the relationship ending as soon as I said, “no more.” I beat myself up for this, even still. I could’ve bought a house, why did I think it was ever going to be returned? It was an important lesson I had to learn and one I’ll never forget. Nevertheless, here are some ways I managed to move on.
Stop talking to your ex - I’m aware that this is a difficult thing to do. But if you want to move on, your actions can’t reflect those of someone who does not want to move on. It’s simple yet one of the hardest things to do.
Talk to new people - When I got back down to South Florida, I immediately started to break out of my shell and be around people, talk to new people; or those I’d had only surface level relationships with before. You can’t rely on 3 people in your life to be able to talk to you whenever you need. You can’t expect them to take on that much of the emotional burden. Make more friends, be out in public, be outside…whatever is available to you.
I’ve made a lot of really close friendships over the last 7 or 8 months. It wasn’t immediate, I just kept putting myself out there, reaching out to people, etc. Now I value my relationships with my friends so much more deeply than I had before. I don’t feel lonely, hardly ever. And again, these are authentic friendships. Many of these people I had known in some capacity prior to my break up. Having a social life that I prioritize over dating has been good for me, and partially why I waited a while to start dating after my divorce.
This New Years was one of the best nights of my life.
Listen to music - There are a few albums/songs that got me through the first few rough months. Some of them have nothing to do with break-ups, they’re just good :)
The Beaches - Blame My Ex (album), SZA - SOS (album), G-Flip - Worst Person Alive, 6LACK, THEY - What I know now, Harry Styles - Little Freak and Cherry, Lil Uzi Vert - The way life goes, Juice WRLD - Fast, Beyoncé - Lemonade (album) but definitely ‘Don’t Hurt Yourself’.
I don’t recommend listening to sad music. Nostalgic maybe, but avoid sad music.
Workout - I do Pilates, but do what works for you. I love to run but it’s terrible on my knees. Do something to release the frustration, the anger, the sadness; whatever energy you have built up that’s weighing you down. It’s important to release that negativity and alchemize it into something else.
Develop new interests and hobbies - I started writing much more. I’m a singer…I’ve started that up again. In the five years I was with my husband he never heard me sing. Life is too short to not explore your talents, or to be embarrassed by them.
Therapy (obviously) - I found a therapist that specialized in trauma/abuse recovery. Well, actually, I found a therapist that just so happened to specialize in this and through her I got to the root of why I put up with things for so long, and that what I endured was technically a form of abuse. I don’t feel like a victim…but it was helpful to learn that this wasn’t my fault. I of course made mistakes and was by no means a perfect wife, but the infidelity had nothing to do with me. Even if I was perfect, it still would have happened.
Let them - I held onto a lot of sadness for awhile. I was hurt that my in-laws never reached out to me, I don’t know if they could understand how much it would have meant to me if they had. I was also suspicious that a certain narrative was being told. And I’m sure it was. I’ll never be in the room to tell my side, and that’s okay. Now I don’t care anymore, but it took awhile for me to get here. This applies to so many situations; let people do/think/say what they want. Let whatever story be told. It’s torture in the moment, but you’ll be glad you didn’t waste the energy in the end.
Get to know your authentic self - This part is something that I feel is everchanging. As you evolve and grow, you change. In some ways I feel as though I’ve come home to myself after my divorce. In others, I’m still trying to determine who I am. I do know the deep, internal parts of me and I think this is what having a sense of self is about. I know that I’m honest, I’m loyal, I’m resilient; I feel things deeply and I always will, I’m warmhearted and affectionate when it’s deserved. I have an unwavering determination when I really want something. I’m trusting.
The beauty of getting to know yourself is that it’s a never ending process. Having an appreciation and confidence for who you are is invaluable. Be able to be alone with yourself, and be content in your own company.
Disclaimer: Everyone moves at their own pace. But I do believe that if you are steadfast in the process, you will move on. The past is the past. Do something small each day that will allow you to have the future life you want. Don’t settle for less.